Ruby, Cash, lovely to see you, so glad you could make it along to the Tower today, to celebrate Crooked Cat Publishing’s paranormal-themed promotion week. Sadly, it’s a bit of a busy one for me this week, so I’m going to hand you over to Anne Boleyn, once we can track her down – she always was a good hostess.
Cash: Ruby, Ruby! Did you hear that? We’re going to meet Anne Boleyn.
Ruby: Yeah, I know, but once you’ve met one ghost you’ve met them all.
Cash: How can you be so flippant about it?
Ruby: Cash, for goodness sake, keep your hair on!
Cash: My hair on? Don’t you mean–
Ruby: Shush, here she is. What should we do, take a bow or something?
Anne, it’s good to see you! This is Ruby and Cash, they belong to Psychic Surveys; I thought you could give them a bit of a tour? I’ll leave you to it…
Anne: It’s lovely to meet you Ruby and Cash. Is there anybody here that you’re particularly keen to have a natter with? Or, is there anyone you’d rather avoid? I know where most people hang out, so we can find or stay away from anyone really.
Cash: Erm… er… um…
Ruby: Sorry, Anne, he can’t speak because he’s star struck, your reputation, it tends to go before you. It’s lovely to meet you too. In fact, you’re the person I was looking forward to meeting most – of course – although I have to say the twins would be interesting too, and Lady Jane Grey – terrible fate it was that befell her and just seventeen years old too, what a way to go. Is she still here perchance? And Robert Devereux, a favourite of Queen Elizabeth I wasn’t he, and apparently very handsome. Yeah, maybe him too… What? Why are you looking at me like that, Cash? Jealous are you, just because I want to meet Robert?
Anne: Ahem, anyway, tell me a bit about your work – how did you get started in this field?
Ruby: I’m the latest in a long line of psychics, a gift passed down from my mother, that was passed down from her mother that was–
Cash: Ruby, I think she gets the picture.
Ruby: Oh, all right, so, yeah, it’s an inherited gift if you like, so I guess you could say I got started as soon as I took my first breath! The thing is, Anne, and I know you’d agree with me here but the paranormal gets a bit of a bad press doesn’t it? People tend to think ghosts are evil, that they want to harm them, when, often, nothing could be further from the truth.
Cash: Oh I don’t know, Ruby, some of the ghosts you’ve dealt with have been a bit on the harsh side.
Ruby: Yeah, but people I’ve dealt with are like that too – there’s no difference.
Cash: I suppose.
Ruby: There’s no suppose about it, ghosts were human once you know? Anyway, I digress, not only are people scared by ghosts, there’s a fair few that are haunted by them too, and that’s where we come in. I decided to set up Psychic Surveys as a high street concern, somewhere that people can go to with concerns of a haunting nature, get the experts round (that’s me and my team by the way, fellow psychics Theo, Ness and Corinna)–
Cash: Hey, and me!
Ruby: Yes, Cash, and you – sometimes. If you think you’re being haunted, you can get us round to investigate. Apart from psychic connection, we use holistic methods to encourage grounded spirits towards the light, therefore, crystals, essential oils, smudge sticks, a bit of salt here and there, and I must point out, as I know you’ll appreciate this, Anne, we are in no way affiliated with the church. Our belief is that we come from source and we go back to source – source, of course, being universal love and light.
Cash: Ruby, you’re getting technical again.
Ruby: Oh, right, sorry. In a nutshell, at Psychic Surveys we go about our business in a low-key manner, without hysteria or dramatics. We’re specialists in domestic spiritual clearance and our aim, at all times is to inject the normal into the paranormal. It’s not a 9 to 5 job I admit, but it’s a job, a service, and a profession, as necessary as any on the high street.
Anne: Right… I see… I think. It certainly sounds fascinating. So, what sort of cases have you been involved with up to now?
Cash: Yeah, right, now it gets interesting. Tell her about Cynthia Hart, Ruby, a right diva she was, she haunted Highdown Hall.
Ruby: She was not a diva, Cash; she was very troubled.
Cash: Yeah, but whoa, talk about giving you a run for your money.
Ruby: She was challenging I have to admit but spirits, when they pass, are often reluctant to move on, Anne, as you yourself know. Some do take a lot of persuasion, in fact, most do, but eventually, if you keep at it, they go to the light, where they belong. Where in fact, you belong, Anne. And all of you here, whilst we’ve been talking I’ve seen quite a few ghosts pop their head round the corner to check us out, Robert I think was one of them. He’s got black hair hasn’t he?
Cash: Ruby, stop it, if the ghosts here don’t want to move on, you can’t force them.
Ruby: But, Cash, it’s my job!
Anne: It may be your job, Ruby, but I have to say, we’re a nice little community here, and we’re going nowhere. When all’s said and done, we’re not doing any harm; nobody really gives anyone that bad a scare. Not intentionally. Not even the Georges. But, come on, spill the beans, I’ll bet you’ve really experienced some horrors.
Cash: She has yeah, but… well, she doesn’t like to talk about it, do you, Rubes?
Ruby: No, I–
Cash: I mean it’s really bad, isn’t it, when you talk about it, ‘cos it makes it seem real doesn’t it – it manifests it.
Cash: And that’s that last thing you want to do, isn’t it, bring it back–
Ruby: Cash! Stop it! Right now! Just let me speak. Anne, I… yes, I have experienced some horrors, and Cash is right, I don’t want to talk about it. All I’m going to say is this: its not ghosts that frighten me, not even the more troublesome ones, but what’s non-human, what has never been human, that’s a whole different ballgame…
Anne: Ballgame? How interesting. Anyway, we should end our tour on a positive note – you must have had some happy conclusions?
Ruby: We have, of course we have, but you’re just going to have to read the books to find that out, I’ll leave a few at the Tower for you! Crikey, look at the time! If we don’t rush we’ll miss our train. Anne, it’s been great meeting you, I’ve really enjoyed it.
Cash: Me too – the history books were right when they called you a babe!
Ruby: Anne, once again, I must apologise, you were never called a babe, well… not in the history books anyway. Although of course descriptions of you are very flattering, please don’t worry on that score. I look forward to reading Jennifer’s book all about your escapades but you know, if you do want to move on, go towards the light–
Cash: Forget Ghostbusters, its Psychic Surveys you want to call!